This is my 20th post – if I’d carried on writing at the pace I managed in June I’d be well last that now.
The reality is that I’m almost struggling to find new and interesting topics of discussion! I’ve covered a lot of things and my life seems to be moving at a glacial pace which limits the things I feel are worth writing about. If anyone reading this has any questions they would like me to answer either write a comment or send me a message and I’ll try to write a full answer!
Right, now that shameless plea for help is done I can get on with things.
I was asked not long ago about my sexuality and how I see it. It’s an interesting thought actually. To get the mechanical bits out of the way – I’ve had sex with both men and women, the numbers are about even, but I’ve only had proper relationships with women.
The disparity is partly due to my reluctance in the past to admit to having an attraction to men and partly based in a silly heteronormative view of the world that I’m trying to let go of.
The question is how Annabelle sees her sexuality – is she a bisexual girl or, if she’s honest with herself, is she a straight girl who occasionally likes to have fun with girls?
As time goes on I’ve realised more and more that Annabelle isn’t a character in my head or a totally different person to the rest of me. This is who I am, either entirely or partly, and the attractions I feel are likely to stay very similar whatever happens. In practice this means I’m still going to see girls and think “wow, she’s gorgeous” or “I am so jealous of the way that dress looks on her” in the same way I always have. Likewise I’m going to see a well built guy and daydream about running my hands over his chest!
A very good friend recent told me she doesn’t think that I’ll be happy long term unless I’m with a man. That was shocking to me because I haven’t really considered it – then even more shocking because it suggests that she sees me as Annabelle. I knew that she thought I would be happier female but hadn’t realised that she’d already started thinking of me that way.
I’m not convinced that she’s right about me needing a man to be happy – I haven’t needed one so far (though they’ve given me great pleasure on occasion, thanks boys!). But, with that said, I can picture myself a blushing bride on her wedding day and there’s always a groom involved. So who knows? I’m open to the idea of dating a guy now and that’s a first for me, but I think it would have to be as Annabelle. Who am I to argue against heterocentric norms?!